furious

i don't know if that shit i see is really me or is bdd
i grab a chunk of thigh
i glare at myself in the mirror
i scream, yell, make sick noises
and i only stop to cry

i'm trapped here in my personal hell
no car to drive
no space to create
just me trying to focus long enough to meditate


i realize i'm all alone in this
every moment of everyday
i'm self-judgemental
and no one will ever make it go away

i'm raging furious,
a control freak
with NO control
is just a sad little girl
with a sobbing soul

i've got to look in the mirror
and appoligize
i'm not even binging
just using the tool of vomit
as a means
to self deprive

i always think i'm close
and that God will soon appear
but then i end up back in hell
in this body
looking in a fun house mirror

so fuck yourself america
and go to hell hollywood
take your size 0s
magazines and weight loss schemes
& shove em up your ass
i hope it feels real good

© LL