this is not a poem

i have to let this go.
it's obsessive so if i express it,
maybe i'll feel better.
for the last 2 years i've lived on a modified vegan diet.
greens, nuts, beans, seeds, low sugar fruits and roots.
no soy and no corn.
both soy and corn products make my stomach HURT ..bad, really bad.
i don't often eat rice, potatoes.
neither really interest me.
i don't eat wheat or grains...
just because. i'm not sure the reaction,
because i haven't tried in a long time.
recenetly, i've added other fruits and some dried fruits.
it makes me scared and upset.
to me ... it's too much sugar.
and i had a history of bad candida overgrowth.
to the point of chronic fatigue and swollen joints, face, etc.
i was a mess.
i was so sick.
it was awful.
it strained every function of my body.
i was 22 and i felt 90.
my stomach was sluggish and i was always full.
but always craving sweet,carb foods.

my mom made me turkey recently.
i HATE that i ate it.
i just feel better raw.

i go back and forth between
whether i should eat beans or nuts more often for protein.
i DO not want to eat animal.
or animal product.

the problem with the beans and nuts is...
i feel like beans are higher carb, less nutrition.
nuts.. i can't stop myself.
i eat thousands and thousands of calories.
it's sick.

if i eat anything thats not a part of my diet..
i throw it up.

but now.. if i eat too many nuts...
i throw them up to.

so do i cut out nuts and seeds out of fear of calories?
or do i cut out beans because of the carbs??

how sick is this?!

basically..

i only feel safe eating greens and .. well, like berries.
lemon, aulliums, spices.

but would i not have enough protein?

should i just have 1 can of beans a day
and only get fat from oil?

sometimes sunflower seeds are ok.
i can use them by having just 1/4 cup a day..
and getting the rest of my calories from vegetables.

i think thats what i'll do.
but will i feel deprived?
is that too much of a risk for binging on other foods?

... should i just eat greens...

occasional fish, seeds...

thats it.

i guess.

maybe thats the only way i'll stay purge free.

so i'm committing to ..

just greens, alliums, low sugar fruits, fish and 1/4 cup of seeds a day.

ok.

done.

i feel better...

i guess.

© LL